Understanding Domestic Violence and Abuse

When someone tends to operate in an abusive way in relationships, their relationships are largely based upon power and control.  They exercise control in their relationships through physical and psychological methods.  They often dominate the decisions made in key areas such as finances, parenting, socializing, family moves and rules of the relationship/family.  People, who seek to be in control in their relationships and homes, generally have difficulty with their emotions.  They tend to either swallow their emotions, rely on substances to cope with stress in their life, or have limited responses to emotional situations.  One example of limited emotional responses, is the person responding to a variety of situations with anger.  The events might involve loss, uncertainty, change or other stressful events, but the emotion that is most evident is anger.

As in any change in human behaviour, it is largely dependent on how much the person wants to change and or recognizes the need to change.  For many I’ve dealt with in my career, the motivation to change often comes from an external source.  In other words rather than the person one day waking up and saying I want to change, it comes from an outside source such as child welfare, legal services or their spouse threatening to leave the relationship unless there is a change in their behaviour.  Even with an outside motivator, the person often struggles with accepting that what they have been doing is inappropriate and they need to learn new behaviours.  None of us want to see ourselves or what we do in a negative way.  People who are being abusive or violent often try and justify or explain what they do.  It can come as a real blow to their self-identity, to face the fact that their way of thinking and behaving has been inappropriate and they have to make changes.  Moving from external motivation to internal motivation is an important step in a person making real change in their life.  Internal motivation can be a desire for improved relationships, deeper intimacy and a person wanting to feel better about themselves.  When people are internally motivated they tend to demonstrate a much greater willingness to acknowledge their past mistakes, an openness to trying new behaviours and participating in support/counselling services.  

John Hayashi M. Ed., RCC  

Along with a general counselling practice, I began working in the area of domestic violence treatment in 1990 and also worked for over 11 years as the therapist in a police department.  While working in the police department, I dealt with many examples of domestic violence in the community that resulted in varying levels of assaults and professional follow-up.  I continue to work in the area of domestic violence and abuse.